Fear

My life is beautiful. My life is so blessed. And when you look at this blog it seems as though everything is perfect. And everything is. And that is what is so scary. These last 10 months have been so good and so wonderful that the devil has put a fear into my heart that consumes me. What am I afraid of? Everything. I am afraid of losing everything.

My children are my world. I used to say that it wasn't going to be that way but now I see that it is impossible to not love and cherish your children as deeply and completely as I do. My greatest fear is that something will happen to my children. What would I do? How would I live? How would I carry on without them? Each day that I have them, each day that I love them more, each day that I see them grow into the person God made them to be the more afraid I become of losing them. They are my joy, my best friends, my greatest accomplishment, my whole life. How do you live with a constant fear of losing what is most dear to you? That is no life.

I have a husband that any woman would die for. My friends are jealous. My neighbors are impressed. My kids adore him. I love my husband so much that it hurts sometimes. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this. He is literally the best husband and father I could have asked for and lately I have had a fear of losing him. I don't mean him dying in a car crash tomorrow but more personally lately we have watched our Aunt Edna succumb to Alzheimer's and how it affects everyone who loves her. Our Uncle Bob has lost his wife of 55 years and his best friend. It is heartbreaking and something that is on my mind when P. is gone at work, when he is home and when we spend time with our aunt and uncle. Will I lose P. to Alzheimer's, will I lose him to some other terrible disease, will I lose him to a car accident? Will I want to live after I lose him?

I was going to write a blog about living in AZ after being here for 6 months. I was going to see how I liked it, what the good things were about AZ and what I thought were bad things. I was going to analyze my new life in AZ compared to the other places I have lived and tell you about it. Well, I didn't do it. I was too busy loving my new life. I love our life here in AZ so much that I am so afraid it is going to come to a screeching halt and destroy me. I know that sounds silly and for someone who believes in God that is a sin. I kick myself that I am not more strong in my faith and can push all these worries out of my mind and heart. Every day I worry P. is going to come home and tell me he lost his job. That we are going to lose our house. That we have to move because we didn't make it here. I will leave my friends, my home, my church once again to start over somewhere else. I can't do that again.

I have so many fears living in my heart. I have fears about almost every aspect of raising my children. I have fears regarding my marriage. I have fears regarding my health, my household, my friends and family. My fear is separating me from God and that makes me sad.

I create my own fears. My mind does it and unfortunately I have been doing this all my life. I am a glass half empty person. I am a worrier and an anxious person. I have migraines and I don't sleep well. I have made mistakes and bad decisions more than I would like to admit. Now the question is, how do I overcome this overwhelming fear? How do I change my mind to think differently? How do I settle my heart? How do I not let this anxiety ruin my "perfect" life?

Prayer. I already know the answer. Prayer and looking to the bible for comfort and answers. I can start imagining success instead of failure. I can change my attitude, my outlook and my doubt. My prayer today is that God will help me with my fears. Take them away. Teach me how to handle them. Remind me that he is in charge and that every good and perfect gift is from above. These are things I already know but I am human and the devil is everywhere. And I am a wimp.

My baby girl is sleeping, my amazing son is watching a Barney video and my sweet dog is laying by her bag of treats waiting for me to give her one. She will lay there until I do. My husband is at work providing for us and will be home soon to be with us. And our God is good.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Matthew 6:25