Sad But Relieved

Reba is in a new home today. I don't doubt that she is happy. Maybe a little confused and disoriented but hopefully she hasn't missed a beat. The home will provide constant company with someone being home all of the time, a nice house and yard, a new doggy sister and lot's of love and attention. I feel good about the care she will receive and the life that she will have with them. Leaving her was sad and I teared up walking away but I knew it was the right decision for her and for us.

Last night we told my parents we were pregnant. They were so thrilled for us. They really wanted us to have kids so our "Thanksgiving table" wasn't empty. If all goes as planned this Thanksgiving will be the last without our kids sitting at it. That is pretty exciting to think about. We know it is early to be telling so many friends and family but this is a happy time and we want to share it with everyone we love. And if something happens we will have all the support we need to get through it. Last night was the first time since we found out we were pregnant that I really felt like I could handle my pregnancy.

It's amazing how much better you can feel after a good night's sleep. I needed it so bad. It took me a while to fall asleep because I was thinking about Reba and how she was doing. But after I fell asleep I didn't wake up again until morning. I feel like a new person today. I do miss that bouncy little puppy but it is nice to have my house back. Abby and Serra are recovering from the chaos and Serra might miss her a little but I think they are both happy to have their lives back too. I do have an appointment for my neck at the Pain Management Clinic today at 4pm. I am pretty sure there is nothing they can help me with now since I am pregnant but we will discuss our options and go from there. Tomorrow P. and I head to Detroit to have lunch with some friends. Then we go to the Detroit Tigers game at Comerica Park. Should be a lot of fun. They are playing the Oakland A's and P. and I have really been looking forward to this game. It's supposed to be a hot, humid day. That's August in Michigan!

The future is bright. I am rejuvenated and encouraged. I haven't experienced any morning sickness just a few food aversions like bananas and eggs. I had my first bout with heartburn last night. I pee all the time. I am going through toilet paper like water, or because of water.... Well, off to eat. My outlook on eating has changed drastically. I used to eat because I loved it and I loved food. Now I eat to nourish the little guy or girl in there. How boring! :)

Reba

We tried to find a new home for Reba today. The worries, anxieties and concerns of having a puppy and a new baby where so overwhelming that I needed to find a way out. It was such an agonizing decision to even list her on craigslist today. I have been going back and forth about it in my head for almost a week now. I can't sleep, both due to Reba being up and worrying about having the energy to take care of myself, Reba and a new baby. I am still concerned about the financial issues of taking care of so many bodies and in the end I keep asking myself, does Abby still love me for adding this annoyance to her life?

Reba got more hits on craigslist today than I was prepared for. I filtered emails all day and interviewed potential mommies and daddies on the phone. No one was good enough. We even visited a potential home that sounded perfect and we still left with Reba in tow. It was such a relief to know she was going to be sleeping in our home and not in a new, scary place that wasn't good enough for her. I knew this was a hard decision but maybe I don't really want to give her up. Or my head does and my heart doesn't, in equal proportions. I cried all day about it. Is that what you do when you are pregnant?

So here we are. I just took Reba out to pee and poop which she finally ended up doing successfully after much coaxing. I am tired and emotionally drained and I still have a puppy. Is keeping her the right thing or is giving her up right? Will I have enough energy for the 3 of us, well 6 of us if you count P., Abby and Serra too? Boy this is a toughie.

And to make it all worse, she is just so darn cute. How could that cute little face be a cause for concern? I am going to go lay awake for a few more hours and think about it.......

Three Tests Don't Lie

Friday I took 3 pregnancy tests. The first one was surely wrong, the second was a fluke and the third was, well, I have no explanation for the third one. They all resulted in the same 2 pink lines. I am pregnant! Until I have a doctor's confirmation I am trying to stay calm, collected and not get too ahead of myself. Thoughts of diapers, nurseries, names, gaining weight, and all the ways our life is going to change run through my head constantly. My mind has totally refocused now on how to better my life, my diet, my faith, my relationships and my priorities.

Friday morning started out like most others except for the fact that my step-daughter K. was leaving us after a summer visit of 7 weeks. We had plans for butterscotch pancakes, a trip to the zoo and lunch out before taking her to the airport for a 4:20pm flight. Normally I am all about the pancakes. I usually hold myself to two but Friday morning I could hardly force down one. For anyone that knows me, if I can't eat, something is wrong. I spent the morning pondering my recent crying spells, anxiety attacks, bad cramps and a few other symptoms that I won't mention but that really didn't make any sense. For kicks I decided to take a pregnancy test knowing FOR SURE I couldn't be pregnant. We had purchased some at an earlier date for future use and it was convenient for me to have some on hand. As P. did the dishes from breakfast, K. got ready and packed up some stuff for her trip home, I started the shower and peed on the stick. Within seconds 2 bright pink lines showed up in the window and I stood there, water running, shaking, smiling, saying "No way, no way, no way..." out loud to myself. I got in the shower unable to wipe the huge grin off my face, still shaking and just wanting to run to my husband to share the news. But I couldn't because what if the test was wrong? What about K.? It was her day and I didn't want to take away from that. It was going to be a long day ahead of me.

Friday P., K. and I went to the John Ball Zoo. It was a nice day, a nice zoo, a nice time. We had fun together looking at all our favorite animals, taking pictures and enjoying each others company for the last time maybe until Christmas. It was a sad day. Her departure was lingering over our heads. So was my positive pregnancy test. I was freaking out inside but trying stay cool on the outside. I just had to get through the day, get her to the airport, get her home then we would deal with what was ahead of us. After the zoo we went to Arby's then home to spend some more time with the dogs before she had to leave. Our friends stopped by to say goodbye to K. and after they left I escaped back to the bathroom to take another test. It had those same two lines but not as dark and not as obvious as the first. See, it wasn't right. So we went to the airport, a quick trip to Walmart then home for a nap. Boy was I tired. I took my final test around 6pm and with the same result sat down and waited for my husband to come in from unloading the car. I asked him to sit down next to me and said, "At first I wasn't sure how I felt about these but now I am just really excited and happy." I gave him the three tests and he said, "What do they say?" I started to cry. He said "Congratulations!" We sat in shock for at least an hour and talked about silly things. P. and I weren't actively trying to get pregnant and had actually gone back and forth quite a bit about starting a family. Can we do it with my health, our finances, our new puppy? Can we handle the ups and downs of parenthood? I wasn't so sure after life with K.. Do we have the patience, the selflessness and the dedication? 2 weeks ago we added a new puppy to our family, Reba. She was going to be my substitute for a baby and we were going to go on with our lives as they were. Reba was going to fill that "baby" spot in my heart and all would be fine with the world. Well, someone had other plans for us. And here we are. I have 2 big dogs, a puppy and now a new little one growing in my tummy. How do I feel? Better, how don't I feel? First, I feel blessed. I have been given a gift. What some people say is the greatest gift from God. Second, I feel scared. Are we going to be able to do this? Will I be a good mom? Can we handle this change?

I can't wait to share our news with all our family and friends. I started this blog to document the road ahead. Someday I will read back through this blog holding our baby in my arms, my dogs at my feet and my husband by my side and know all is right with the world and that God is good. God provides. And God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. So, bring it on!